Since my hubby has given the 'ok' to move forward with a consultation for an FET, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer need to perfectly articulate my reasons for wanting another baby; I can just say them as is. No fancy words, no pressure to connect my heart to my mouth (or finger tips) using just the right descriptors. No fear of rejection because I couldn't find the right thing to say that matches what I feel on the inside. I can move forward with a 'plain jane' list of what's been trying to come to the outside. It will be honest, it won't always be pretty, and some of these you may have heard before. So. In no particular order, here we go...
• I want to have a boy and I want to name him after my dad. I wanted this the first time around with my B/G twins but my husband was not on board with it. So I caved, and although I love my son's name, I wish I wouldn't have given in. I carried those babies, dammit, and went through a lot to bring them here. Maybe one day I'll write their birth story so you know exactly how much I went through. Plus, they already have my husband's last name, so why can't I choose the first and / or middle name(s)??
'There's no guarantee you will have a boy,' you say? That's one benefit of doing an FET...we can do genetic testing to ensure we have a boy, as long as all of our embryos aren't female. (Although I'm still on the fence about whether we will actually do this or if we will let nature take its course. As much as nature can take its course during an FET cycle, that is.)
• We still have SEVEN embryos in storage! I never knew how I felt about the whole debate about where life begins until I had my frozen babies. Now I feel like they are our babies just waiting for us to grow them and take them home, and if I could, I would go through seven more pregnancies for each one (if they all survived the thaw / transfer process).
• I want a second chance at a normal singleton pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees with this one either, but I at least want a chance.
• The same goes for breastfeeding. Breastfeeding my twins was difficult and emotional and impossible. So much more than I ever imagined. I wanted to breastfeed them so badly but I didn't produce enough milk for even one baby. So I pumped. All the time. For four and a half months. And no one warned me it could stretch out my nipples. Every day, I feel sad when I look at my body in the mirror because it could have been prevented had I been informed and had I not pumped so rigorously for a meager 6 oz a day. But I still want another chance at it. Another chance for my body to do what it's supposed to do. Another chance to succeed. Another chance to experience the joy and bond that breastfeeding brings that so many other mothers get to experience. I know it won't be easy, but I'm up for the challenge.
• I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to be 'of a certain age' where I'm no longer trying to have a baby. It took me so long to get to the point where I actually had a baby (well, two at the same time) that I feel robbed of the choice to have a large family. A choice that most fertiles probably take for granted. And at 36, I feel too young to be done. My mom went through menopause early, around the age of 40, so I fear I will be of a certain age sooner than most. So I want to have another baby before it's too late. Stupid biological clock.
• My husband is nine years older than me so we are already pushing the boundaries that society has set for a guy's age at which he should no longer become a dad again. It's now or never. He doesn't want to be an old dad, and I get that, but there's more at stake here than just his age.
• Everyone in our immediate families and some of our close friends knew we were doing IVF so we never experienced the 'surprise! we're pregnant!' news. I so want that. (I know a couple of my friends will see my latest blog posts here, so please keep it to yourselves that we are in the beginning stages of possibly doing another FET. Other than you, we don't plan to tell anyone what is happening so we can have that surprise moment.)
• I feel it. You know how something just feels right? And no matter what you do, you just can't shake it? That's how this is for me; I was meant to be a mom. I believe this is one of God's callings in my life. I have always struggled and wondered what the heck my purpose is and what has God called me to do. Well, this is one of them. I've often felt drawn to adopt and / or be a foster parent as well. I love being a mom that much.
• Like I've said before, I would never regret having another child, but regret is certainly a factor if we didn't at least try. How can I not give these little embryos a chance? If we went through all seven of them and none resulted in a take home baby then I feel I would be at peace. Plus, I'd probably be at least a couple years older and pregnancy would be harder on my body.
• One pregnancy just isn't enough for me. I want so much to feel the joy of carrying and growing my baby, and feeling it kick. And enjoying every moment knowing this will be it. Even if that means suffering through three or four months of nausea again. Heck, even if it means going through everything again that I went through the first time.
• I want a second chance at a 'normal' labor and delivery. I never went into labor with my twins; they were delivered via c-section because I developed preeclampsia. And Baby B was breech and was more than 20% bigger than Baby A, according to u/s measurements. So my Dr would only deliver them via c-section. If I don't experience any complications with a second pregnancy, I want to do a VBAC, and I want to do it without an epidural (or being induced, etc). I also had a miserable recovery from my c-section, complete with pneumonia and a spinal headache. I feel so robbed of my birth experience, not only because of the pain I went through but because of the pain medication itself. It wiped away my memory of much of my six-day hospital stay - those first precious hours and days with my babies.
I think that about covers it. Although, I'm sure I've inadvertently left something off the list. I guess I can always go back and add to it again or publish another post.
I am also really curious why others in this community wanted to have another child. Any of them the same as mine? Please feel free to tell me your reasons in the comments. :)
xoxo,
Samantha
• I want to have a boy and I want to name him after my dad. I wanted this the first time around with my B/G twins but my husband was not on board with it. So I caved, and although I love my son's name, I wish I wouldn't have given in. I carried those babies, dammit, and went through a lot to bring them here. Maybe one day I'll write their birth story so you know exactly how much I went through. Plus, they already have my husband's last name, so why can't I choose the first and / or middle name(s)??
'There's no guarantee you will have a boy,' you say? That's one benefit of doing an FET...we can do genetic testing to ensure we have a boy, as long as all of our embryos aren't female. (Although I'm still on the fence about whether we will actually do this or if we will let nature take its course. As much as nature can take its course during an FET cycle, that is.)
• We still have SEVEN embryos in storage! I never knew how I felt about the whole debate about where life begins until I had my frozen babies. Now I feel like they are our babies just waiting for us to grow them and take them home, and if I could, I would go through seven more pregnancies for each one (if they all survived the thaw / transfer process).
• I want a second chance at a normal singleton pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees with this one either, but I at least want a chance.
• The same goes for breastfeeding. Breastfeeding my twins was difficult and emotional and impossible. So much more than I ever imagined. I wanted to breastfeed them so badly but I didn't produce enough milk for even one baby. So I pumped. All the time. For four and a half months. And no one warned me it could stretch out my nipples. Every day, I feel sad when I look at my body in the mirror because it could have been prevented had I been informed and had I not pumped so rigorously for a meager 6 oz a day. But I still want another chance at it. Another chance for my body to do what it's supposed to do. Another chance to succeed. Another chance to experience the joy and bond that breastfeeding brings that so many other mothers get to experience. I know it won't be easy, but I'm up for the challenge.
• I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to be 'of a certain age' where I'm no longer trying to have a baby. It took me so long to get to the point where I actually had a baby (well, two at the same time) that I feel robbed of the choice to have a large family. A choice that most fertiles probably take for granted. And at 36, I feel too young to be done. My mom went through menopause early, around the age of 40, so I fear I will be of a certain age sooner than most. So I want to have another baby before it's too late. Stupid biological clock.
• My husband is nine years older than me so we are already pushing the boundaries that society has set for a guy's age at which he should no longer become a dad again. It's now or never. He doesn't want to be an old dad, and I get that, but there's more at stake here than just his age.
• Everyone in our immediate families and some of our close friends knew we were doing IVF so we never experienced the 'surprise! we're pregnant!' news. I so want that. (I know a couple of my friends will see my latest blog posts here, so please keep it to yourselves that we are in the beginning stages of possibly doing another FET. Other than you, we don't plan to tell anyone what is happening so we can have that surprise moment.)
• I feel it. You know how something just feels right? And no matter what you do, you just can't shake it? That's how this is for me; I was meant to be a mom. I believe this is one of God's callings in my life. I have always struggled and wondered what the heck my purpose is and what has God called me to do. Well, this is one of them. I've often felt drawn to adopt and / or be a foster parent as well. I love being a mom that much.
• Like I've said before, I would never regret having another child, but regret is certainly a factor if we didn't at least try. How can I not give these little embryos a chance? If we went through all seven of them and none resulted in a take home baby then I feel I would be at peace. Plus, I'd probably be at least a couple years older and pregnancy would be harder on my body.
• One pregnancy just isn't enough for me. I want so much to feel the joy of carrying and growing my baby, and feeling it kick. And enjoying every moment knowing this will be it. Even if that means suffering through three or four months of nausea again. Heck, even if it means going through everything again that I went through the first time.
• I want a second chance at a 'normal' labor and delivery. I never went into labor with my twins; they were delivered via c-section because I developed preeclampsia. And Baby B was breech and was more than 20% bigger than Baby A, according to u/s measurements. So my Dr would only deliver them via c-section. If I don't experience any complications with a second pregnancy, I want to do a VBAC, and I want to do it without an epidural (or being induced, etc). I also had a miserable recovery from my c-section, complete with pneumonia and a spinal headache. I feel so robbed of my birth experience, not only because of the pain I went through but because of the pain medication itself. It wiped away my memory of much of my six-day hospital stay - those first precious hours and days with my babies.
I think that about covers it. Although, I'm sure I've inadvertently left something off the list. I guess I can always go back and add to it again or publish another post.
I am also really curious why others in this community wanted to have another child. Any of them the same as mine? Please feel free to tell me your reasons in the comments. :)
xoxo,
Samantha